August 10, 2015

Bacherlorette Season Recap: Part 2

Andrew is back today, sharing the second half of his recap on the Bacherlorette season. If you missed the first part, read that here.

So, long story short Kaitlyn gets picked and Britt is kicked to the curb. Then, Britt treats us to her anime crying face.

We have to endure Britt calling her mom and telling her she didn’t get the gig in the same way I would call my wife to let her know that I had lost my job and our lives were over. It seemed a little heavy-handed for a break-up show. Wait a minute….heavy-handed? For the Bachelorette? What am I thinking?!

Well, the power has now been wrenched away from the men, or has it? Brady ensures that Britt gets an annoying two-minute clip at the end of the next few episodes (by asking each other questions that even my grandparents thought were lame when they were dating- “will you be my girl?”). That’s not the way to do it, man! You have to look into their eyes and ask tenderly

Speaking of Brady, though, his was the first of three voluntary departures. Every time I watch this show, I wonder out loud, “Wouldn’t you be able to tell pretty early on if you have a shot of going the distance on this show? So, when you realize that you are on the bottom third why not take some power back and just leave?” Well, two dudes seem to have heard me (sort of).

First, there was the bonsai tree kissing healer/spokesman for crazy pills, Tony. I feel like after the Sumo date he easily could have parlayed this poetry into a song for Usher or John Legend. I guess that would require a brain that isn’t addled by incense and bong resin. If I remember anything about Tony it will be that he pushed the boundaries of pacification to realms it cannot actually go, by definition. Considering the date he was on though, I can’t completely fault him for his reaction.

Second, Ian (whom we have already seen), got a big whiff of the fart jokes in the wind and wasn’t having them. He decided enough was enough and decided before leaving that he would give Kaitlyn the Apocalypse Now treatment before he left. You know, because Princeton

After those two, some other notable characters were Clint and JJ. Boy, is JJ lucky that Nick joined the show (or maybe he wasn’t) because JJ's villain status was completely eclipsed by Little Nicky’s appearance.

It could have been that was all JJ wanted, because his departure was not only inevitable, but self-inflicted. I'm not saying that being honest in a relationship, especially about big skeletons from your past, isn’t important. It just seemed like a really odd time to bring something like that up. It seemed like a, “just do it already- I want to get to Bachelor in Paradise” move. Oh, and please don’t ever cheat in a relationship. EVER!

Next was Ben Z. First impression we get of him is that he really wanted to prove he was strong (because football buddies from high school matter when you’re 26). If I can, for a second, take a moment: at this date Kaitlyn said she had no idea it was going to get out of hand. REALLY?! During Chris’s season I got the impression that Kaitlyn was street smart and really seemed like she was with it (people with well-developed senses of humor give that vibe very easily). However, there were several moments this season that gave me the exact opposite impression. Her surprise that dudes would be willing to beat the heck out of each other in a boxing ring, her reaction to Nick's poem, and this. I’m kidding about the birds, but really?

Anyway, back to Ben Z. He seemed like a decent enough dude, but also gave off the “I can bench press people with my eyes” vibe with a couple things he said: "I haven’t cried since my mom died 11 years ago", and "my mom is dead". All that being said, though, inviting him to a date where you pretend to be dead and expect him to be cool with it? Really? Guess she didn’t really bother to think a-BOAT it.

Next was Cupcake, or the dentist guy. His and Kaitlyn’s Aladdin date made me cringe. The chemistry between those two was so backwards. I mean, watching those two kiss each other was more uncomfortable than anything Clint and JJ had going on. Agree? Disagree? Anyway, I was kinda surprised how hard cupcake took being dumped. I realize I keep saying this, but if Broadway casting directors are the only ones putting you two together do you really think things are going that well? 

Then there is Nick. I hadn’t heard anything about this guy (because I didn’t watch Andi’s season). The only thing I knew about Nick was what he did on the “After the Final Rose.” So, he shows up lookin’ like Vanessa Bayer at a Bar Mitzvah.

Kaitlyn, herself, admitted that she wouldn’t have expected that she would have had a thing for this guy. How she ended up developing a thing for him I’ll never know (maybe the sheer number of bracelets just overcame her). Anyway, he comes on and Shawn starts to feel a little blindsided by the move (yes that is a pigeon being hit by a 98 mph fastball). This is where the conspiracy theories start to swirl. Maybe it was super evident to the producers that Shawn was the winner from the very beginning, and didn’t bother to show his stuff at the beginning and wanted to give the show some drama? Maybe they brought Nick in just so that Kaitlyn could drop him, because ABC thinks it’s funny to mess with him. No matter the reasoning, the drama went to 11 when that little homey joined the ranks.

Conspiracy or no, Nick’s presence picked off the stragglers one by one. Then, it was just Nick vs. Shawn (reminded me of this). When their back and forth had us all wishing for a swift release from this earth (since all hope for humanity is basically lost now), I was secretly rooting for Shawn to even out the number of guys that left on their own. Everything turned out alright in the end, because the right person won and Nick got hosed. It’s ok, Nick. I’m sure you can think of something contemplative to do with yourself now.  

I will say, they both do genuinely seem to like each other. I think that’s great, and I truly hope they work out. If you read this whole thing, and liked it, leave a comment below to let Alicia know and I’ll do episode recaps for the upcoming season of the Bachelor. I won’t do Bachelor in Paradise, because I like a challenge and that crap is just too easy

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